“I ask you what time it is, and you tell me how to build a clock!” John said with exasperation. Ben felt confused and, frankly, a little hurt. He just wanted to make sure John had all the facts before making his decision.
***
“What am I supposed to do with this?” Carol asked.
“You file it with the county clerk,” Glen responded.
“I don’t understand, ” Carol said, furrowing her brow.
“You file it with the county clerk,” Glen repeated.
“What do you mean?” Carol said, raising her voice a little.
“You file it with the county clerk,” Glen said slowly and distinctly. Then he turned and walked into his office, feeling exasperated.
***
“We agreed two weeks ago that we would have a date night tomorrow,” Donna said evenly, pushing down her frustration and disappointment.
“Yeah, but two weeks ago I didn’t know I could have the kids this weekend. Why don’t you like my kids?” William countered.
***
In each of these scenes, one of my clients experienced communication difficulties. Everyone involved was actually a decent and ordinary person, yet they were getting cross-wise with each other. Whose fault was it? Chances are that you have already formed an opinion about who was wrong in at least one of the scenes because you are viewing it from the perspective of your own behavioral tendencies.
Back in 1928, William Marston, a Columbia University psychologist, published his research showing that people tend to fall into four behavioral styles. Much of the discord we experience simply results from differing behavior styles, rather than actual substantive disagreement.
Over the following decades Marston’s research has been extended, refined and validated. Today we have a simple assessment tool, the DiSC® Behavior Style Profile, which has been used by over 40 million people to identify their primary behavior styles. DiSC® is an acronym for the four styles, called Dominance, Influence, Steadiness and Conscientiousness.
Learning a little about our own behavior styles and those of the people around us can help us adapt to create more productive work teams and more harmony at home. Read on to see how to deal with the situations described above.
“D” Working with “I”
In our example, John was exhibiting his “D” behavior style. D’s are result focused, fast paced, decisive, direct, determined and often impatient. They want to get into action to achieve the goal. They fear they will be taken advantage of if they lose control of the situation. Ben is a high “I” style. I’s are people oriented, talkative, gregarious and like flexibility. They value connecting with people more than accomplishing tasks, and enjoy receiving attention. They fear personal rejection, so they may tend to take things personally. John felt impatient when he asked Ben direct, bottom-line questions and Ben gave him long-winded explanations setting the scene before getting to the heart of the question. When Ben learned about DiSC styles, he focused on giving John bullet-point responses. Although Ben thought it sounded a little curt, John was better able to make decisions based on Ben’s information. Ben soon saw his relationship with John improve significantly, all stemming from that small adjustment. John relaxed with Ben when he knew he could quickly get the information he needed to achieve his goal.
“C Working with “I”
Glen, a high “C”, works with Carol, another high “I”. People who primarily use the C behavior style are analytical, systematic and value facts and accuracy. They fear making a mistake or having their work criticized, so they tend to make a lot of judgments about whether something is right or wrong. They like facts, figures and proof. They tend to be more reserved and formal in their demeanor.
Even though Carol was expressing some confusion, by Glen’s analysis he had given all the necessary information. So he merely repeated himself, believing that if Carol carefully considered what he said, she would understand. C’s tend to think there is a best and correct way, and they hold to it. As an “I”, Carol seeks to connect with others, and she experienced Glen’s repetition as rigid and rejecting. I’s can be emotional, and her anger began to flash.
Glen can be persuaded to modify his perfectly accurate statements once he learns that, in communication, the “right” way is the effective way. In the short run, however, it will be much easier for Carol, the flexible “I”, to recognize that Glen’s response is not about her personally. She can get the information she needs by getting specific about the area of her confusion, or by directly asking Glen to rephrase his response to help her understand.
“I” Married to “S”
Donna was a high “S” married to William, a high “I”. S’s want harmony and predictability in their environment. They like to plan things out and to use tried and true procedures. They are loyal to those they respect and are good team players. They fear sudden change and instability.
When Donna and William made a plan together, she tended to see it as a commitment carved in stone. As a high “I” preferring flexibility, William tended to see plans as mere targets that they aimed for unless something better came along. William’s sudden change of plans triggered Donna’s discomfort, but his fear of rejection caused him to conclude that it arose because she resented his children.
When they learned that their differing styles interfered with a meeting of the minds about the level of commitment to plans made, they developed a solution. Now when they make plans, Donna says, “Should I write that down in pencil or ink?” If it is in pencil she strives to remain flexible and not count on it. William understands that, if it’s in ink, he’s contractually obligated and will have to pay damages for non-performance.
In the workplace and in our homes, we need the talents and strengths of each behavior style. We get into conflict if we fail to recognize and respect styles different from our own. By understanding DiSC behavior styles, we can be more effective and productive in our interactions with others.
When I first learned about DiSC, I experienced a great shift in the way I saw my husband’s choices. I was kind of stunned to realize that about a quarter of the population approaches things the way he does. And more significantly, only about 25% of the population does it the way I do!
Would a shift in how you see the behavior of others help you be more effective?